As I filled up two extra large medication planners this morning, one for morning and one for night to hold the 20 routine medications I take daily, I was cranky. I don’t like taking them. Some are expensive. Many of them stick in my throat due dryness associated with Sjogren’s Syndrome. Some of them hurt my stomach. Some of them make me feel dizzy and nauseated. Sometimes they don’t work! I think to myself, “I’m not going to take them anymore!” Then the nurse rises up in me and says, “You will take your medication as ordered. You know better!” and the patient side of me who wants to throw the pills in the trash and run caves in to my more sensible nurse side.
Have you ever felt like stopping medication as a chronically ill person dependent upon your own personal pharmacy? I think you probably have. It’s normal. We don’t want to admit we have to rely on our medication regimens to get barely get by in life. Yet, throw a rebel fit and stop taking them for a day or two and suffer the consequences ten fold, right? Those 20 routine pills control a whole slew of chronic illnesses. Without these meds I quickly regress into a sloth that moans in pain without being poked, unable to get of bed.
I told a lady at church yesterday that I am a master at faking being well. I felt comfortable confiding that because she spoke the same language because she is finally coming into a autoimmune diagnosis of her own. The look in her eyes echoed mine. As I thought about that statement, it rang with resounding truth. How many of us are masters at faking being well? I suspect a large number of us are excellent actors!
I think we can attribute our academy award winning performances to our medication regimens. My medication does not control my symptoms as well as I would like, but for a few hours in the day I can fake being well to fit in socially. People like us, with autoimmune disease, understand the unwritten motto of the disease: You play, you pay (spoon theory). The cost of faking being well is time spent resting. Going to morning and evening church services on Sunday wipes me out. I will spend all day Monday loafing between the bed and recliner too fatigued to do anything else. Throw a flare in there because I tipped the balance of play/pay (used too many spoons) and it’s ground zero. Can you relate?
In addition to the routine meds are the weekly and bi-weekly injections to slow the progression of rheumatoid arthritis, insulin injections, pain meds, muscle relaxers, ointments, balms, creams, gels, along with heating pads, hot packs, and cold packs. My bedside table and chairside tables are littered with prescriptions of all sorts. I have enough arthritic topicals to treat nursing home population twice! Try to take them away and I’ll tear your arm off! These medications promote my acting ability.
My name is Mischelle, and I am a faker at being well. Are you too?